Gotta be somebody Lately I've been thinking, what good am I to anyone? What do I do for anyone? My life, my mind is so screwed from this marriage I'm in and the love I thought I had at points in my life. Makes me wonder what is real and what is just a show. My job is customer support, always gotta have a smile in my voice, be cheerful when I'm not. It's a delusion the customer needs so they feel important. Lately I'm starting to think that's how life is treating my all around. So without further rattling I leave with a song that almost says it all. Love, it's a funny thing.
This time I wonder what it feels like To find the one in this life The one we all dream of But dreams just aren't enough So I´ll be waiting for the real thing. I'll know it by the feeling. The moment when we´re meeting We'll play out like a scene straight off the silver screen So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath Right up to the end Until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there. 'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands. There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go in on their own And everyone wants to know they´re not alone. Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere. There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight And damn it this feels too right It´s just like Déjà Vu Me standin’ here with you So I´ll be holdin`my breath Could this be the end? Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with?
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there 'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands. There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to go in on their own And everyone wants to know they´re not alone. Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere? There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
You can´t give up! When you're lookin´ for that diamond in the rough Because you never know but when it shows up Make sure you´re holdin` on ‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on
‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there. And everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands. There has gotta be somebody for me Ohhhhhh.
Nobody wants to go in on their own And everyone wants to know they´re not alone. Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere? There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
Nobody wants to be the last one there 'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere? There has gotta be somebody for me out there.
Current Mood:indescribable Current Music:Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody
Well after finally working through a bad cold and fever for the last few days, I'm about over it. So far I can repair about an average of 20 boards a day. Sad thing is that's not enough. I have to get 70 boards a day by the end of next week or I start getting wrote up. Not exactly possible, I've crunched the numbers, but oh well looks like I'll be having to look for ANOTHER job. Better news, waters gonna get cut off tomorrow. Oh I'll be able to pay it AFTER I get off work but since my otherhalf always waits til she gets me from work to go grocery shopping, I'm past 6 getting home and the water co. office is closed and I'm not able to call and get an extension on it. -.- Just another issue to compound my already dreary situation. Maybe one day soon I'll write about some ideas for books and comic books I have here to give you all something better to read than this. Oh yes, and as you know from earlier, still hurting from that knife in my back. Asked her if everything was a lie and got a rather transparent response. Not surprising.
Oh yeah, and...I hate my life. Some times I just don't want to go home. Well go to this house, it's not a home for me.
Do you believe in life after love? So here's an update on my life as it is. I have a new job doing mother board solder work for ASUS. I started last thursday, so a week tomorrow. So far so good. Easy but boring. No music leaves my mind to dwell on things, good things sometimes but bad most.
Some may have heard one side of the story, here's mine. There was this woman I loved very much. Gave my heart and soul to her and only wanted in return to be loved just the least little bit. Not to be the center of her world, I knew she had a full life, she had a significant other IRL that she's been with for years. I never expected to nor wanted to be put in his place. Not my wish. We shared so much I thougt she was my soulmate. She fed into my fire saying she loved me very much, that she could almost believe I was the second one for her though she never thought there could be. I cared for her so much, gave her so much of myself as I could. Cried over her. Was there for her when she was hurt by the others she 'loves' to comfort her, there to be a shoulder to cry on when the ones she thoughts were friends in something she put so much of her time into stabbed her in the back. Never once did I want anything from her aside for her to love me. I thought she did honestly. But she didn't. It's been made abundantly clear that she got her use out of me and has moved on to the bigger better deal. What's this? You might ask. I'll make detail it. This woman (for future reference will be Jean), and I played world of warcraft. She played it much longer than I and I at one point would have never given th game a chance but because of her I did. I started playing on the same world as her. Months pass and I progress until one day Jean tells me about meeting someone her guild could use badly. So she brigns him to meet everyone else in the little group of friends that got together there. I immediately knew something was wrong about him, with him, but I kept silent. This man we'll call Paleass. Well a month passes and Jean has already given him complete access to her game account (which is against the games TOS but that's beside the point). I don't see this as a good idea. Now this is all done with her still saying she loves me, of course at this time I'm beginning to question whether she means it or not. It has also been revealed that Paleass is an admitted player of women and had already broken girls' hearts in that same realm. I begin to get protective, worrying about Jean. I mean, what would YOU do? I loved her, so I worried. I confrontd her about my intense dislike for Paleass and said I was worried that he was using her. She said she had him under control and kinda liked the fact Paleass was like the nieghborhood pitbull no one liked. I'm thinking, yeah but those kind do turn on their owners and end up getting put down. Then as time goes on, she begins to talk and deal with me less and less. I go on progessing in the game, living my life, heart aching beyond anything I've ever felt because I loved her so much and not bothering her as I know how full her life is until one day she comes out of the blue to tell me she's transfering off the world to somewhere else because the guild she put so much work into screwed her over (which I knew was going to happen, but I didn't want to say anything to her about it for fear of upsetting her about me talking bad about her guild so she had to learn the hard way). Now this is to note her guild started to screw her over after she met Paleass, and not only that but she also broke up with her rl bf for a brief moment after meeting him yet she can't put two and two together and realize he's bad news for her. She doesn't tell me where she's going (I found out anyway, not like I'd follow now) or ask if I'd go with her. No, come to find out she transfers off world with Paleass. The man I hate with all my being before this. Talk about a hot knife in the back. She stabbed me good, ripped out my heart, stuffed it in a blender and hit frape'. So I'm left heart broken, angry, empty. How would YOU feel if someone you loved so much and thought loved you, left you for someone you made clear you despise? I'd think you'd be pretty upset too. Then come to find out she's brought him into the MU where I met her at, that she loves him and on a chari she never used to usually play? I'm devastated. I mean am I wrong for being upset at being replaced so easily when at one time she "loved" me so much, by someone who does more for her? If that's all love means to her, what someone can do for her, then maybe I'm better off without her. As for Paleass, who he is on the MU was made clear to me and I recieved grievances against him at the one place I have authority to do something about it. So I ban him. I'd toad him if I had the chance to spare the unwitting victims he will prey on but I can't so I at least stopped him for a moment. Which. by the way, I am sure pissed Jean off royally that I was fucking with her new boy toy. {shrug} I don't suffer harassment nor anyone who would cause a disruption in the enjoyment of the patrons of the lash. I especially can't stand anyone who would use someone else for their sick games. This isn't RPing any more, it's real and I warn you, those who read this and are in Taps, be wary of him because he IS like that pitbull no one likes and will cause hurt if left unchecked. I've never steered you wrong, I've never lied to you, you must believe me. Don't let her and him turn you against me. So now you know. I've been played like a deck of cards at a pro poker tour. Wonder why I even believe in love any more.
Current Mood: discontent Current Music:Bon Jovi - You Give Love A Bad Name
Well....I live. Amazingly enough. My otherhalf decides to let her sorry ass son back in the house, against my wishes, last night after she has a "talk" with him. She said she told him that if he even thought about trying it, she'd kill him herself. I am so sick of this violence, this angst, this....lunacy. So last night, slept (if you call it that) with one eye open watching him traipse the floor back and forth all fucking night, in and out the door. All I could think of is how fast I could get to my kendo stick hanging above the bed if he came at me. Yeah the cops came yesterday, but they didn't do anything. Couldn't take him to jail where he needs to be, jails full...to many miscreant fuckers in this shit hole town. Taking him to Juvenile Detention wouldn't do any good, last time they did, he escaped. Some security eh? And he has the nerve to call the house today and ask to get a jump cause him and his gf were broke down. -.- Running more of the precious little gas we have left out. Yet another thing I have to worry about.
Now, about the job situation. I had a weekend shift job, 9.50 an hour. Not bad. 12 hours a day three days a week. I thought it would be good until I fucked my knee up some how. Each day I went up and down three flights of stairs at least 100 times, and walked the equivalent of 10 miles in the building. As I was walking up the stairs, all of a sudden my right knee starting hurting. Not bad, I thought I could ignore it. Then it got worse. I dealt with it and went on the rest of the day. Went to bed, woke up and it was still hurting. Went to work anyway, now with a slight limp. As the new day wore on, my left knee began to hurt since I was favoring my right. Now half the day was gone and both knees were hurting. Still I kept on, enduring the mounting pain of both knees. Why did they start hurting? I don't know, I've done this type of work for years and just now, when I need a job most, this happens. As the end of the days starts to draw near, I was wondering why my feet were hurting too. I sat for a moment and examined them, finding that I'd developed blisters too. -.- End of shift. Relief finally. I go home, get a shower and go to bed, completely exhausted. I wake up the next morning and try to get out of bed only to find I can't move my legs (well my knees). So I lay there and try to force them to move. Finally I'm able to get up but now I'm walking around like I'm 100 years old. With 4 days to recupurrate, I figured I'd be okay next saturday. Hah! My right knee STILL hurt by saturday. Well I go to work anyway. Halfway through the day, both knees start hurting so bad I can barely stop myself once I hit the bottom of the stairs. And I get blisters. Still I continue on with the whole 12 hours. Now I come to find that the purrson I was getting a ride with, is fired so I have no more ride to work AND they slam me with work every day for the rest of the year with no day off. So even if I could get to work, I couldn't get to it every day. I lose this job, and now am on the hunt for another, but I think I have one working for Asus lined up tomorrow, and it's relatively local so wish me luck. Only 9 an hour but the closer it is makes up for the gas use.
Current Mood: worried Current Music:Linkin Park - Bleed It Out
...I am sick of hearing and dealing with more than any other it would have to be DRAMA.
I wish I had something positive to write in my journal for once, but I don't see that happening. Anyway, today as I'm out looking for a new job, my otherhalf is driving me around (the car we have available to use is a stick and I can't drive one and no I'm not ashamed to say it.) so we get back home after being out for a bout 3 hours and IMMEDIATELY my otherhalf's middle son wants a ride some where. We are always playing fucking taxi for the ungreatful piece of shit. (Yes I am very angry.) All he does is complain about everything, eat everything even if it doesn't belong to him and want something all the time. Today my otherhalf told him she would but he'd have to hurry up and get ready, so he cops an attitude like she owes him something. She's warned him in the past she's tired of him talking to her like shit. You know the kind of kid, they'll be on jerry springer getting sent to boot camp. He's talked to her and treated her like that for the past 2 or so years since he started hanging out with the local "crypts" branch. PFFFT. So he stands up like he's going to fight her and she backs him into a wall and proceeds to pummel him until her dad gets in the way. I wish he would mind his own business, he's always getting in the way of her disciplining her kids especially that one, and that's one of the main reasons he is like he is. So I finally got tired of the shit and told him to get out of MY house. Well he wants to try and start a fight with me. Not a smart move but his pussy ass stayed hidden behind his grandfather while trying to "call me out", then he has the nerve to threaten to kill me in my sleep. Yet another pussy ass move, but sad thing is now I have that to worry about it because yes he's unstable. So to all my friends who read this, I love you all and thank you all for being in my life as you have been, you mean alot to me. I don't know what tomorrow holds, the week, or even the rest of the day for that matter.
Confusion. A single word that carries so much meaning. I dont know where to begin here. My mind is a constant jumble mess, many things play havoc on my psyche and with in me is waged a constant war with my demons. On the outside I try not to let it show, to hide my emotions, my torment. I must go on, I must endure. Tis what a man must do. He must stand firm in the face of adversity, stare down misery and not blink, face a shattered heart with out a tear. At least that's what society wants of us, that's the stigma we as males must uphold for to show signs of emotion is to show signs of weakness yes? Now comes the word Emo. Short for Emotional, the definition blurred as is everything by the younger generation. Now if some one voices legitimate sorrow for events in their life they are branded an emo and shunned when in essence all an emo truly is is an angsty individual who was not hugged enough by their mother and cries wolf to get attention. In this, my state of mind teeters on the brink of sanity and reason. I find comfort in my friends, I love you all dearly. Thank you for being here for me. I am sorry that, for some of you, I have not been around as I used to be but circumstances in my life complicate things like that. I am confused. 100 purrcent. I am tired of this constant struggle to survive, living on borrowed time to get by till the next day only to wait and see what horrors will dawn with the new day, what atrocities and despair will "brighten" my day. Now for those of you who have made it this far through this post of utter 'woe is me', I thank you for your concern.
Something I would like to know is: If someone said they loved you, should there be any reason to doubt it if they truly mean it or is that doubt foreshadowing the truth that maybe they dont and you can feel those vibes? Or is it all just paranoia? I am miserable in my life as it is right now, but in the web of irony that is called life, I cannot leave. I have no where to go, even with those who have offered me sanctuary I could not impose. My consciousness prevents me from doing so, and fear..yes fear...of what may come if I did. I sometimes worry that I will not wake up again once I lay my head to rest at night for the things that go on within my life.
And now I post this jumbled mess of a journal entry, fitting that in it's randomness it matches the thought patterns of my mind.
It's funny how that when words fail, a song can say almost everything you want. The video is The Living Dead by Poisonblack
Current Mood: confused Current Music:Poisonblack - The Living Dead
Does time really heal? Another question I find myself asking. They say it does, but is it just time? Or does time need help like everything else? I didnt even want to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to curl tighter and sleep the rest of the month away. But I cant, I had to get up. I have things to do, obligations to take care of. I have to go to work. I have to go on..but... but........
If you are reading this, I hope you are doing well.
They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...I used to believe that...but then I thought......what about the quadraplegic who survived the car crash? He had all functions before, now what does he have? How could that have made him stronger.....meh...just more ramblings from a broken tiger. The video below is an alright AMV but it is the song where the message lies.
Current Mood: confused Current Music:Haunting Me by Stabbing Westward
Is it really easier to run? I really dont know what to put here, my heart has taken a beating it has not suffered in quite some while. I am truly a mental wreck. Is it wrong for me to care so greatly about my friends? Is it really easier to run from things in ones life knowing that in reality it will never be solved? Why must I hurt the ones I love the most when all I try to do is help make their life better in any little way I can? What does all this mean, will I ever find the answers? Why is it those that I think have mutual feelings tuck tail and run when problems rear their ugly heads?
For all these questions and more left unwritten there is no answer, there has never been any answer for me. I am always left wondering why. All I want is to try and help make my friends lives better so I know that at least someone I care about can have a better life than me. I dont know anymore, I dont know what to do or even who I am.....meh just mindless ramblings.
The only thing I can say for all of this and it will never be enough is....I'm sorry.
Current Mood: sad Current Music:Easier to Run by Linkin Park
Difficulties. To to a problem beyond my control I am no longer allowed to post to my journal and have such erased all other posts as well. One day maybe things will work out.
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alucardsinatas's journal
uncomfortable
tired
pissed off
confused